My grandmother passed away. I just got the call a few hours ago, and it turns out she might have passed away sometime during the night. My family only found out this morning, I just found out earlier this afternoon.

I'm still in shock, and very emotionally confused. On one hand, I'm happy that her suffering is finally over. On the other hand -- She's gone. And I didn't have a chance to say goodbye. I don't even have a chance to attend the funeral, even though I want to with every fiber of my being (it's funny how cliched that phrase is until you actually experience it. Wanting something with every single fiber of your being, until it's pretty much all you can think of, really)

Right now I'm trying to continue like nothing's happened. After all, I usually don't bounce around like a hyperactive chipmunk. I'm pretty sedate most of the time, so I shouldn't look too different right now. I think. I feel like there's a big sign on my forehead: GRIEVING. DO NOT DISTURB.
Or at least, there should be one. I really wish I could be the melodramatic type: Sobbing everywhere, rocking in place, tearing my hair out etc., but what use would it be?
My grandmother would still be dead, and I'd have no hair.

She had pancreatic cancer. The doctors had basically given up on her a few weeks ago, as she was too weak to operate on.
She didn't deserve this, not one bit. She suffered so much in life, raised some kick-ass kids, and worked so hard for them. She. Did. Not. Deserve. This.
She shouldn't have to live her last days in so much pain, wondering what was wrong with her, with no-one telling her. She deserved so much more.

But then, who am I to decide that? I'm not God, although I often wish I was, just to know what was going on in the Big Guy's head.

It's kinda funny, in a sick, twisted way. I'm almost done with the mourning period for my other grandmother, and this happens. Looks like my hair's going to reach the floor by the time we're done here*.

I'm sitting in my hostel's common room as I type this. It's raining, just like it was when my other grandmother passed away. I guess it's times like these when we realise just how precious everything is to us. I don't know what I would have done if my friends weren't with me when I got the call, I really don't.

I don't really know what else to say at this moment.

*The Chinese believe that when in mourning, you're not supposed to cut your hair or nails for 49 days. Since I'm 1/4 Chinese...